"Thanks for the commissioin, are we BFF now?"

[westly-roanoke.livejournal.com]

General question to ask you folks.

What do you do when someone commissions you and either during the commission process or after it's complete, they assume that you are now friends? I have had several commissioners turn into friends, but in all of these situations this happened naturally. I'm talking about the people who try to force friendship on you either in the form of constantly writing you emails, attempting to IM you despite you specifically saying you don't chat, or contacting your other friends/significant other completely out of the blue for no other reason you can think of other than they want to try to get closer to you. They might even mention later that they commission artists "to make friends", and you are caught off guard and may not feel the same.

I know several artists have had this happen to them as well, which is why I'm asking what you would do in this situation? It's not threatening, you are just not interested. Just because money changed hands does not mean a friendship has occurred. How do you go about letting this person know that this is not the case. Do you even bother? Do you put something in your TOS expressing this? Do you ignore them completely? Any advice is appreciated.

Comments

[punkspacewafers.livejournal.com]

I've had that plenty of times-- usually it's never a really serious situation, because the people who do try usually get the hint that I'm not interested in forming a friendship, but in the cases that they send me endless emails and notes and comments and whatnot even after I tell them that I'm not interested, I sternly tell them to cut it out, and if they continue to pester I simply block them. I hate to be rude or to appear mean in these situations, but I get tired of my inbox being flooded with their messages asking how my day went, or IM's saying "sup" or "hi."

[punkspacewafers.livejournal.com]

Sorry, that was a terribly long run on sentence lol

[spyral-out.livejournal.com]

Man, I wish more people would try to be friends with me. Hahah.

[marus-puppy.livejournal.com]

I'll be friends with you. :3 (Do I have to buy art first??)

To add something meaningful to this discussion: I really don't know how I'd approach the situation, but punkspacewafers seems to have a really good way to do it, especially if they don't take the hint.

[zippiner.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just have to be stern, even if it is going to hurt someone's feelings. Because their feelings are probably going to be hurt any way you do it.

If they continue after you've been stern with them, then it's probably time to just cut them off / block contact. Depending on their annoyance levels.

[shiftergoddess.livejournal.com]

I used to get these types a lot when i first started doing Gaia commissions, but they got a shocker when, after being told i'm terribly boring, they actually discovered that i was being honest and lost interest.

So i would say maybe if the obvious doesn't work, appear very boring.

[saitenyo.livejournal.com]

This helps too. I am very quiet in chats if I don't know someone well, so often they will get bored and give up trying to converse with me.

[komickrazi.livejournal.com]

Just make it clear your email/IMs are for business purposes only.
If you treat all your communications with them as a business transaction, they usually get the hint you aren't interested in small talk.
A simple message like the following should suffice: "My email/IM is for business communication only. Did you have a commission request or question regarding your finished piece? If not, I am afraid I am too busy for casual chatting."

[aerotheacrobat.livejournal.com]

I've had this happen, too D:

I'm good with being friendly and nice with clients, even lonely/friend wanting ones, so long as it doesn't go too far... like constantly IMing me about fetish stuff and wanting to RP what they buy from me, which has happened :/ I'm naturally shy, so I'm often quiet anyway. If they get pushy about it, I tell them that and that I am also working on my art que (often true) or that I'm not into AIM RP. So far, most have not pushed for too long and went on their merry way eventually.

[greenreaper.livejournal.com]

Oh god, the RP . . . believe me, it's not just artists who get that.

And there's worse: once I was sitting one computer over from a guy I barely know at AC and an IM popped up: "buttecks, Y/N?"

So many things wrong with that. (Not being gay to start with!)

[hellebore.livejournal.com]

1. Remove your IM info from websites and keep it off of there. Create a new name for family/REAL FRIENDS. Set your privacies to only them. Don't add them on FB, or furry FB or anything.

2. Communicate via email only.

3. Brief interaction via comments online on FA/DA are okay, but put no emotion into it that the other person may misconstrue as you wanting to be friendly.

I have had this happen many times before, and these are the steps I took.

[immortalpanda.livejournal.com]

Good advice right here! I've had to do the same myself.

[saitenyo.livejournal.com]

This is precisely why I don't have a public IM handle and never give it out to people who I don't actually want to talk to. I'd recommend making a new screen name and keeping that private in the future. I know a lot of people like giving their commissioners the option to contact them via IM but there's really no reason commissioners need chatting access with you all the time, even while you're working on their piece. Emailing you if they have questions or need to get in contact with you should be perfectly sufficient.

In general, I am friendly with my commissioners but make an effort to keep it strictly a business relationship. I don't give them access to my IM, FB page, etc. and if they pry for these things, I simply politely explain to them that I only give those things out to close friends and people I know in real life.

I have on a rare occasion had someone continue to try to press those boundaries regardless. At that point the best thing to do is try to let them down tactfully and politely. Be firm on your refusal to give out personal information/additional methods of contacting you, and if they continue to send you emails, just explain that you don't have a lot of free time to just chat.

In response to the "I commission people to make friends line," I'd probably say something like, "I'm flattered by your interest in developing s friendship with me, but I prefer to keep my commissions a business relationship. I don't like to try to force friendships, but rather let them develop naturally. I'm happy to answer questions you may have about my art as my time allows, but I'm afraid I have a pretty busy schedule and don't have time to chat regularly with people online."

If they really can't take the hint after being polite, you unfortunately may have to be more blunt. I've only had to deal with this once, it was a situation where someone was being extremely inappropriate (to the point of constantly trying to hit on me despite my not being interested and being in a relationship) and I had to just bluntly tell them that their behavior was making me extremely uncomfortable and it needed to stop. When it didn't stop, I blocked them, and thankfully never heard from them again.

I don't think this is the sort of thing that needs to go in a TOS. I think putting too many "Please don't do this" sort of things in a TOS to catch every possible problem can turn potential good commissioners away and make a TOS too long and confusing. I'd stick only with issues that come up often. It should be a given that harassing an artist for friendship after commissioning them isn't appropriate and the sort of person who wouldn't respect that boundary probably wouldn't be stopped by a TOS statement about it anyway.

[ocelotish]

I want to second all of this.

If they are contacting you via IM, or just some other way you can very politely say "I'm sorry, but I'd prefer to only use 'mycommission@mysite' for contact with customers so I have a better system of organization." Then give short but polite answers, because you can 'hide' behind professionalism (it's no fun to chat with someone who's always perfectly polite and a little distant). If they persist, then you may want to add some polite refusals, or just always redirect it back to the commission. I would think that after a while, they'd give up. If not, saitenyo's polite refusals seem the way to go.

[grygon.livejournal.com]

I've had this happen a few times and I let it fizzle out while remaining polite. It usually does on its own, if you remain polite but also not overly friendly (that just enables their feelings that you are ineed their new BFF). Mostly I am polite but stoic.

I actually had the "friends" (they were a couple) write me a dear john letter when they broke up cause they guessed they wouldn't need me anymore after that. That was a bit weird but otherwise I didn't want to be rude by ignoring them totally and maybe ruining future sales, since a lot of artists make a lot of their money from return customers.

[sbneko.livejournal.com]

I actually usually tell them honestly, but politely. If someone starts going around saying I'm there friend, I tell them I'm not. Meaning no offense to them, explaining that I take a long time to make friends, and either it happens or doesn't. Things just need to click.

Most of the time they actually stop talking to me after that. Though I'm not too sure what to do when it's a situation where you honestly don't really want to talk to them. I'd feel rude saying anything.

[khaoskomix.livejournal.com]

Oh man, the amount of commissioners who have tried to add me on facebook. I'm sorry, but I find it really weird.

[marus-puppy.livejournal.com]

It's kind of like "liking" your boss/company on facebook. It feels weird!

[thaily.livejournal.com]

First of all, this is why I don't do business over IM or give out my phone number.
Second of all, I remain kind of superficial during those after-commission-communiques when people try to be BBF after a business transaction. While friendships that result naturally are good, it's kind of insulting when people think they can buy your friendship.

[myenia.livejournal.com]

Seconding. It blows my mind how common it seems that artists use IMs for commission purposes...I find it much less professional and less reliable. Unfortunately, this (what I consider) bad habit that others partake in get several commissioners expecting this from everybody. I actually had one commissioner back out on a commission when he found out I only did business via email! Its sad that its an expectation!

[alex-dachshund.livejournal.com]

I hate that, just because you commission someone that does not mean you are automatically friends. I've had people commission me then include my icon in a "list of best friends" on their FA profiles when I've only spoken to them like four times. ><

I know it's not the best option but after I finish a commissioner's art and they still continue to IM me everytime I sign on just to say hi, I just personally ignore them and don't respond and eventually they quit trying to IM me. It's not the best option but it works for me. Same if I get random FA notes they say nothing but "hi what's up?".

But if they literally spam me with "hi" 's every 10 minutes, I block them (I've done this before several times). This is why I restrict exchanging commission info via FA notes now and I now no longer have my IMs publically listed on my FA and InkBunny accounts.

Then again, I used to have my IMs listed on my FA and InkBunny profiles publically and I would get random...weirdos... IMing me that I had to block eventually because they would try to cyber with me or something.

[y2hecate.livejournal.com]

I've had this happen with a few people that have commissioned me. I don't keep my IM info on my site, but it's a handle I've always had, everyone knows me by it, and I hate the idea of running away and changing my name simply because of IMs. Not gonna happen.
So, I'm pretty polite about it. I have it noted in my commission info that I want details via email. If they try to cozy up and chit-chat via IM, asking about how I'm doing and all that.. I'll explain to them that I don't chat much, prefer to only keep IMs on to keep available for family and other such close people (a.k.a. not business), and if they have any questions/notes about their commission, you can tell me in IM if you wanna brainstorm or something real quick, but please send the info to my email too, because that's how I keep my commission stuff organized.
I'll give them about 3 chances with similar responses, then if they keep trying to find out how my day was or talk about the new game the started playing that I've never heard of and have no interest in.. I stop responding to them at all via IM, unless the message contains something about the commission.
Luckily, I've not had anyone be so persistent or annoying that I've had to flat out block them.. but I'd do it if I had to.

[bailzzararco.livejournal.com]

This very thing sends chills down my spine. It has happened a few times with me, and I just tried to be friendly, but cut them off when they attempted to get too involved. I think some folks feel bonded to you once you create their charater just like they like it. It makes me not want to do commissions.

[blackberrypie.livejournal.com]

It happens to me a lot, but while I'm on my IMs most of the time. I don't really pay attention to them to notice someone is messaging me. And if I do I walk away a lot or just don't respond very fast. So it tends to shoo people off easily. xD

[martes.livejournal.com]

I'm not on any chat programs at all. There's nothing I have to say that can't be said through email or a phone call (if it's important.)That helps dicourage most would-be BFFs.

[marus-puppy.livejournal.com]

Heh, I had an idea. XD I don't have this problem, but if I did, I would probably just start talking science at them until they stopped IMing me. (I'm a bio major so if I get going, you can't stop me!)

[sbneko.livejournal.com]

That is actually a really good idea haha

[amocin.livejournal.com]

I have a very similar situation as well, and I have yet to figure out how to fully deal with it as the commission isnt completely over yet. He has not gotten to a point where its harassment, and has backed off with polite statements of "i have all the information needed, if I have any additional questions, I will contact you."

If they got you on your IM, kindly let them know that your personal IM is for personal friends and family only. This will elude to the fact that you are not their friend, and to kindly not contact you on your messenger again.

Also its important to just not give out these details freely. I have a few artist friends who have separate emails and IMs just for commissioners that they will sign into about once a week for the IMs and daily for the emails. This is something you might want to do to avoid this in the future.

[teacup-werewolf.livejournal.com]

I just make it clear that I don't want to be friends. It might be rude, but it gets the point across. I don't mind making friends with commissioners, but I rather make friends without business coloring it. Ya know?

[thrashbear.livejournal.com]

"I rather make friends without business coloring it."

This is what makes what we do so awkward. If a customer with a LOT of money is making overtures that they want something more than a business relationship, I have to toe the line somewhere between being "friendly" and "GTFO". This leads to stress on my side and can kill my desire to work on the piece, because it reminds me of them.

[megamon-blue.livejournal.com]

I used to have this problem frequently.

First, if you have IM info available to the public, remove it. Get a new SN if you have to.

Second, even though its a little more friendly to do and makes you more personable, don't reply to anything concerning their personal life. Only respond to those parts that concern the commission. Just like its not the commissioners business to know whats going on in the artists personal life, its not any of our business to know whats going on in theirs.
This keeps it strictly business and doesn't allow(hopefully) any openings for them to think you're open to anything more.

Since starting number 2, I haven't had the problem since.

[lemon-dip.livejournal.com]

ugh...
See when this happens I am just polite because of one reason.

If I am not I am going to be blacklisted and have bad rumors spread about me as some rude artist who doesnt communicate with commissioners.

Its ANNOYING.
I can NEVER be myself on IM because I always have to remain professional and respectful to future clients. So I am always wearing this facade of "happy go lucky".

I have one person who IM's me constantly ever 5 seconds with
*HUGS*
*LOVE YOU DIP*
*LOVE YOU*
*BRB*

and I know they are just being nice but when my status says "WORKING" I am actually working and in the zone so to speak.
If I block them, they will know and then that will result badly...
They will spout off on how rude I am.

So what do I do? I put up with it and just say "hi".

I go on aim to talk to friends and even that is rare because I dont like to burden people with my issues, but when people try to engage convo with me and expect me to be super nice its really difficult.

Invisible status doesnt work either, I have a few who will say "know you're there dipperrrrr".


I stopped making my AIM public when people used it as a means of asking for commissions or talking to me about a commission idea...
I hate being treated like "just an artist" All the time.

Sorry for this rant btw, couldnt help it. Spent all day at hospital so nerves.

[millislim.livejournal.com]

THIS THIS THIS!!!!!

invisibility NEVER works....they figure it out and message you anyways!

[neolucky.livejournal.com]

It's annoying but something that essentially happens to almost everyone. I have a private IM just for this reason, I also do not talk about my personal life anywhere public (aside from realllly sparse twittering) and I keep to email for business only. Whenever I am asked for my IM I simply say I am not a chatter type or that it's for family/friends only (I can be, but to close friends, of which I have few).

However there have been a couple clients who went above and beyond to try and contact me, such as Formspring, Email, FA notes despite me saying not to, and so on. It was so bad, they even asked if they could "Sit and bum at my Artist Alley table" for some-odd hours. I thought they were joking...but they weren't. It was a classic case of a furry who commissions to get friends and get his name up on that popular status totempole with artists. To make matters worse, now he's commissioned my table-mate and I have a feeling he'll use THAT as an excuse to stick around.

It's hard but you have to firmly tell them to stop, and even if they get upset (And they usually do), they need to learn social boundaries even online.

[millislim.livejournal.com]

so true...

it's funny tho...the fandom wants super friendly, personable artists that they can run into and recognize at cons...which would be great but so many treat artists like a circus bear...poking us with sticks and demanding unreasonable things so that all we CAN do is go into social/business defense mode. I don't think most of these folks would do that in normal situations but somehow adding the furry context makes for new rules?

[millislim.livejournal.com]

I wish I could say this has never happened to me but....ugh...

Long story short even after telling IM'ers that I don't chat and if I'm on my computer I'm working they still text back....AND get upset that I'm ignoring them!

Why do we put up with it? Because if we said, "Please stop IMing me about nothing. It's very annoying." The baws over FA would never cease. A reasonable person wouldn't keep messaging "sup" with nothing to say so you're not really dealing with the most reasonable ones out there.

[grygon.livejournal.com]

lol, you reminded me of something... I used to have a cell phone that had AIM and YIM pre-installed (and yet now with the "better" android phones, such services are very hard to find? not that I care, but I did notice) and I used to work at a highschool. When one of my students graduated a few months later I had this waiting for me:

(the student): Hi
(the student): What up
(the student): This is (name of student).
(the student): R U THERE ANSWER ME!
(the student): Hello????

When I had that phone and did use AIM I was ALWAAAAAAAYS having to remind people that just because I was signed in did not mean I was actually paying attention/had no life (it didn't have an auto-idle state, you had to go into the program and select it... which sometimes took a while, so I never did).

[notorious_hunty.livejournal.com]

D: I'm kinda guilty of this. I believe that there should be a customer-artist relationship, business-wise. I don't go stalking people, but when people give me the hint that they don't like me, I usually leave them alone and don't commission them anymore.

Anyway, a friend of mine ended up stopping using IMs permanently and only uses skype for a select few people. If you're on facebook, you can filter people out of chats, as well as this option from other messengers.

If they really get that bad, tell them to fuck off and hit the block button.

[millislim.livejournal.com]

" I don't go stalking people, but when people give me the hint that they don't like me, I usually leave them alone and don't commission them anymore."

SEE! There it is right there! I shouldn't have to like my commissioner to do business...it's business but the second a commissioner catches wind that the artist isn't their best friend they don't want to work with em...I think working with friends is ALOT more dangerous anyways because people get comfortable and business ethics tend to slip because they're "friends"